Marriage - not that scary

Recently, a friend of ours told us that he was afraid of the idea of marriage, not because he's afraid of the commitment, but that the only married people he knew (present company excluded) were so unhappily married that it scared him away from the idea. Several of his married female clients had come on to him at one time or another, sometimes on multiple occasions and sometimes in front of their husbands.

We found our friend's fear to be profoundly sad, but Daisy and I don't blame him for feeling the way he does about the concept of marriage. There are A LOT of unhappily married people out there. We see at least a half dozen of them each time we go out, and it doesn't matter to where. The gym, the grocery store, work, wherever. Clearly, there is something wrong here.

So, for people like our friend, people who may be questioning if it's possible to have a good marriage, and those already married looking for some ways to better their marriage, Daisy and I decided that it would be worth our time to put out some tips on how to find a good match and make a partnership that works.

What makes for a good match between two people?

Penn: This is largely subjective, but...

Daisy: I wrote a list of what I was looking for. Seriously, I did. Penn just happened to tick all my boxes.

Penn: That's one way to do it. If you want to be more general, from my perspective, your ideal match is someone who you can honestly say is your best friend first and your lover second, someone with whom you share some common interests but not all of the same interests, someone you can have fun with and accepts you for who you are (not who you could be), someone you want to be in the same room with more often than not, amd above all, someone you trust with all parts of you.

Daisy: You should also be able to be in a car with them for 8 hours, through 2-hour, stand-still rush hour traffic, and still like them when you get out of the car. Having similar tastes in music helps with that one, though. Sometimes, you really do know when you've met the right person. You have to trust your instincts.

Penn: Well, "instincts" in love can be overrated. But, you know you want to marry a person if you can't imagine your life without them there in all phases of it. If the sex is great, but you can't imagine what you'd talk about during a four-hour dinner, then it's not a good match.

Daisy: Because "instincts" and "you light my pants on fire" are two different things. After the "honeymoon phase", you have to be able to relate socially and intellectually.

Penn: Absolutely, relating to the other person's perspective is key. Moving on...

What makes for a good marriage?

Penn: Again, this can be subjective, but for our marriage, as well as those we've observed that last more than a few years, and (as far as we know) neither party has "strayed" or threatened to walk out, here are the things that work:

• Communication - This is always key point number 1. And probably number 2 and 3 as well. Without communication between spouses, the marriage is doomed to fail before the happy couple even gets down the aisle. If something is bothering you, talk to your spouse. If there is an error in the bank account, talk to your spouse. If you don't know what to make for dinner, talk to your spouse. The minute you and your spouse stop communicating with each other, trouble will arise.
• Laughter - What you laugh about doesn't always have to be something you can share with the rest of the class, but if you can't laugh together, even about each other, life together will be much more boring. Laughter and fun are important for any successful union.
• Sharing - This is not a reiteration of point number 1. When we say sharing, we mean the closet space, money, etc. If you never learned how to play well with others, you may not be suited to marriage at this time. Marriage requires compromise and giving up part of the closet, or half of your paycheck, just as much as giving up part of your emotional self to the other person.
• Leave selfishness at the door - Marriage is not a competition. You don't get points for bullying your spouse or getting more for yourself than they get.
• Take turns - Only one person can be in charge at any given time. And, one person does need to be more in charge than the other, although there's no saying that the person in charge can't switch from time-to-time. The myth of the completely egalitarian marriage is exactly that - a myth. While both parties should agree on a given decision, someone needs to take the lead. It is possible for two control freaks to have a marriage that works, as long as they take turns being the one ultimately in charge.

And, while I don't think it requires a bullet point, I also recommend you discuss the concept of children - whether to have them or abstain, and if the decision is to have kids, how many - and have this discussion early on. As in, pre-wedding ceremony. There is no more awkward conversation than telling your new spouse you "like your life the way it is" and then have your new husband tell you that he was hoping for four kids or more.

Basically, it comes down to this: you know the person is right for you if you like looking at them a lot (even during their crustiest moments), they make you laugh and also laugh at your jokes, and they can hold their own when a debate on politics or other favorite subject comes up. You know that your marriage will work if they are the first person you want to see when you wake up and the last person when you go to sleep, you know without a doubt that you would give your life in defense of theirs, and you would give up all of your material possessions and money for them if they needed you to.